Pretty in Pain
by Tiffany Blews
Summary: She left and you're constantly on self destruct; the drugs aren't nearly as addctive as she is. LOE
1. Chapter 1

_"Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me."- New Moon,Stephenie Meyer_

_._

The clock marks another hour, but I don't care.

Miley stopped by this morning, brought me breakfast and said it was a nice day outside. I said thank you, told her I loved her,and went back to bed. She's worried, I geuss she should be.

So, I'm trying to fall into unconsciosness, drowning in my own misery.

I wish you were here.

And I know Miley and Oliver say it was for the best, we weren't good for eachother, but they don't know how we were.

They don't know how our loved worked.

You have your dreams, and I have my ambitions, but I can't get you out of my mind.

And I know I messed up, my mistake. But people make mistakes, and mistakes can be forgiven. So, just forgive me already.

I still remember how all this happened, I remember when we first met.

--

_It's one of those rare nights on the beach, the ones I actually like. There's a breeze, and people are camped out all over._

_Miley and I are walking off her deck, blankets and beer in tow, you and your brother come up and ask if we've got plans._

_I say no quickly, Miley's staring at the one with curly hair._

_"Wanna hang with us?" You ask, staring at me, fire in your eyes._

_"Yeah." _

_We follow you out to your bonfire. There's a girl with strawberry blonde hair and another boy,who resembles you._

_"I'm Joe, this is Kevin and Madison." you gesture to them, "and that's Nick." You point to the one whose making eyes at Miley._

_I smirk at the two._

_"Oh yeah." I whisper to Miley, and she giggles._

_I look at you again, your still staring. I hold up the cooler, and you take it from me, getting two beers out._

_"Come on." You say, leading me to two chairs farther out of the group._

_We sit down, and you hand me one of the cans._

_"What's your name?" You ask, opening yours._

_"Lilly." _

_"Nice to meet you Lilly." You say._

_I take a drink, and smile._

_The night goes on and we get drunk. We don't talk much, we just stare at eachother. _

_Madison turns on a radio, you hold out a hand and we dance. Miley and Nick get up to go for a walk._

_"I think my friend likes your brother." I say as you spin me._

_"Oh yeah?" _

_I nod in their direction._

_"Well, I think you like me." _

_"Is that so?" I ask playfully._

_"Mhmm." You say smiling._

_"I think you're right." _

_We stop dancing and you kiss me, I love it. I breathe you in and we can't stop. Kevins yells and says he and Madison are going back to the house, you wave your hand at him and turn your attention back to me._

_You spin me again, we stumble from intoxication, and fall in a heap onto the ground._

_We laugh loudly as you wrap your arms around me, pulling me in for another kiss._

_"Lillian?"_

_"Yes?" I giggle._

_"I think I love you." _

_I laugh._

_"Wow, Joseph, you love me on the first date? I must be extremely charming or really sexy."_

_"You have no idea." You whisper._

_--_

I grab my bottle of Jack Daniel's from underneath the bed.

It helps me get through the day, helps wash down the regret.

I take a big swig, and wince as it hits my throat.

I know I should be living my life, instead of laying here hating everything.

But, I miss you.

Every breath is heavier, and each step is harder to take..

--

I want to call you, so bad. I want to dial the numbers. I want to cry, and break into sobs, while you say all the right things.

I want to show up at your door, and beg you to forgive me. I want to kiss you, and feel your breath in my ear. I want to whisper how much I've missed you, and I want you to hug me close and tell me to never leave you again.

I want to go out onto the beach with you, like we did that first night, and I want you to dance with me again. I want to see your beautiful face smiling, and hear your singsong voice laughing.

I want to lay out on the deck of your beach house, my head on your chest. I want your level breathing to lull me to sleep.

I want to fix all my mistakes. I want you.

**Author Note;**

LOE.

I want to continue this, so... give me 5 reviews, and I will post chapter two.

It might take a while though, school has started,boo : (

And burn is coming to a close.

I just started sparkle.

Read Those, reviews are good.

ilovereaders


	2. Chapter 2

_"Lilly...?" You ask, staring out at the beach._

_"Yeah." _

_"I wrote a song for you." You say, twining your arms around my waist._

_"You did?" _

_"Mhmm." You whisper softly, eyes still on the sunset._

_"Will you sing it for me?" I whisper back._

_"When the time's right..."_

_"I love you, Joe." _

_I turn my eyes away from the horizon._

_"I love you, too." You say, kissing my lips. _

_"Always..." You whisper._

--

I wake with a start, words ringing in my head.

_"When the time's right..."_

That time never came.

I never heard that song.

I wonder what it would sound like. Acoustic, probably, your words would slide over the melody with such grace and ease.

_"Always..."_

Always, you said. Always means forever, no matter what happens.

I miss always, I miss the constant presence of you. I miss how you looked laying across my bed. I miss the smell of your cologne.

Sigh; I miss everything.

I take a shaky breath, I have to get up today. I have to roll out of this bed, show my face in the sunlight.

I have to live.

I tie my hair up, and head out of my room.

I raise my hand to the doorknob, when a knock sounds from the other side.

I swing it open.

"Nick?"

My heart breaks at the sight of him, he looks so much like you.

His eyes are tired, his curls still intact.

"Hi, Lilly." Nick says, his voice pleasant but worried.

"What are you doing here...?"

"Lilly... "

He pinches the bridge of his nose.

He brings his eyes back to mine.

"I need your help..."

--

I slide a cup of cofee across the bar. Nick's seated on the other side, I'm standing at the cofee maker.

I lean on the bar, putting my chin on my fist.

He takes a sip, then he sighs.

"What's going on, Nick?" I say softly.

He swallows hard.

"Joe would kill me if he knew I was here..." He shakes his head, looking down at his cup.

He looks up from his cofee.

"Joe... has fallen on hard times."

"What do you mean?"

"He's doing bad things..."

"Like what?" I ask, frustrated.

"Drugs, Lilly, drugs! Cocaine, to be specific."

Nick's tortured eyes looks to mine, seeking some sort of help.

"Joe's doing coke?"

"Yes... he's writing songs and poetry, he's up at all hours of the night just writing. Our music career is better than ever... "

"Wait, writing? I thought you wrote the lyrics?"

"I did, until you two broke up. Now he's got all this inspiration. The songs are magical, wonderful, better than mine ever were." He says, the words coming fast.

"He was lashing out at us when we would interupt him, I thought it was just him dealing with the break up... then last week I found it."

"Did you say something to him?" I ask quietly.

"Yeah, he said it was nothing, said he just tried it once. He's lying though... I followed him one night, and I saw him buying more from this guy in a club."

I put my hand on my forehead.

I sigh.

"Joe... "

"Lilly, I don't know what else to do. I can't tell Kevin, he'll freak."

"I asked Joe again about it, he told me to mind my own damn business, then he left."

"Nick... what can I do?" I say, patting his hand with mine.

"He'll listen to you, just come talk to him."

I bite my lip.

"I don't think I can do that... he dosen't want to see me anyway."

"Lilly." Nick grasps my hand.

"He loves you, and he's going down the wrong path. I can't let this happen to him..." His eyes fill with moisture, which he blinks away.

I feel the urge to hug him, to protect him. Like he's my brother too. I walk around the bar, and pull him to me tightly.

He's taller than me, and I'm wrapped up in his arms.

"It's gonna be alright, Nick. We'll figure this out."

"Thank you so much, Lilly."

I just nod my head, trying to figure this out.

Joe is in trouble, and it all falls on Nick and I to save him.


	3. Chapter 3

_Got the shades pulled down, he's all by himself now.  
Swallowing the pill that makes him feel alive.  
Is it getting better? No, it made things so much worse.  
As it slowly slips inside his head, through his nerves  
and spilling out in verbs._

--

"Joe?"

_Ugh!_

"Kevin, just leave me alone, I've almost got this one finished!" I yell through the door.

"Fine, I'm going out for lunch with Madison."

_Good Kevin, perfect Kevin who'd never do this kind of thing. Oh, and don't forget the angelic girlfriend._

"Whatever." I reply.

_I just wanna be alone._

I pull out the small baggie from my pocket, flipping it around in my hands.

I can't keep doing this, Nick already knows, and Kevin's pretty observant.

_What have you become..._

But it's the only thing I can do, it helps me get away, if only for a little while.

I sigh, putting the bag back in my pocket.

_For later._

I pick up my notebook and guitar, looking at the lyrics to my newest song.

The front door shuts.

_Please don't let it be Nick._

"Joe?"

_Damn._

"In here." I say, trying to be nonchalante.

I grab my guitar pick, and prop my feet up in a chair.

I don't feel high.

I don't look high... do I?

_What have you become..._

There's a knock on my bedroom door.

"Come in." I say, strumming once on my guitar.

"Hey..." Nick says quietly, nervously.

"Hey." I say, looking at him over my shoulder.

"There's um... someone here to see you."

"Who? Record label guys? " I ask boredly, I hate record label guys.

His hand twitches to his hair, ruffling it.

"Well, send them in Nick." I say.

_God, what is it with him._

I look back to my guitar, it's probably some guy wanting to talk about an appearance or whatever...

I hear footsteps enter my room, I sigh, why can't I get a little peace?

"What is it?" I ask, rudely.

Silence.

I spin around in my chair.

And there she is, standing in my mess of a room. Golden hair tumbling over her shoulders, wearing sweat pants and a Victoria's Secret Pink t-shirt.

For a moment I can't breathe.

"Fuck... Lilly?" I say, gasping.

Her face is frozen, and I'm embarassed.

I can't believe she's seeing me like this. I faintly hear the front door click shut, but I don't really care what Nick's doing.

"Hi, Joe..." She says quietly, lip trembling.

_Please, oh God, please don't cry._

"What... what- what are you doing here?" I stammer.

She stares at me for a moment.

"Nick... he said you were... in trouble."

I sigh.

_Nick... Nick would go to the source of my problems. To the reason why all of this started._

"Yeah, well... I don't see why that would matter to you." I say, my voice colder than I'd meant it to be.

My heart screams "I MISS YOU SO MUCH!", but my head is angry.

Angry at Nick for going to Lilly, angry at Lilly for listening.

"I know your mad, but..."

"But what, Lilly?" I say, loudly.

Something snaps in her, her eyes burn hot, and I almost scream because I've missed the sight so much.

"How could you do this?" She says softly, eyes still on fire.

"Joe, this is just... insane. Do you see what you're doing to Nick?"

That's just like Lilly, sticking her nose where it dosen't belong.

"I don't need to be lectured, Lilly."

She dosen't seem to hear me.

"He's so worried, and your just a mess! I mean, God, Joe. Pull it together!"

"Pull it _together_?"

"Yes, pull it together."

"You have _no_ right to come in here telling me what I should and shouldn't do! Your the _entire_ reason this all started!" I yell, and she dosen't move.

Always so stubborn.

She glares at me, hands on her hips.

"You chose to give it up, Lilly. So... just go. I'm getting on with my life, I'm fine."

Her lip trembles, then she walks out, slamming the front door behind her.

I take a deep breath.

I sit back down, taking the bag from my pocket once again.

If you were that willing to run back, to jump when I'm in trouble... then why did you quit on me Lilly?

Why did you leave me here, all alone with my fears?

**Author Note;**

So... this is in Joe's POV.

Oh, and I'm sorry for the delay.

I'm kinda busy. But, I will try my best.

And I thank everybody that reads, 15 reviews?

iloveyouguys


	4. Chapter 4

_The streetlights flicker and then they fade  
Like every good intention that I've had_.

--

_Fuck._

I've been pacing back and fourth for 10 minutes.

_Where is Lilly?_

I was only trying to fix things, that's it. I just want everything to be okay.

I want everyone to be okay.

I want Joe and Lilly back together, I want Miley to stop calling me, and I want Kevin to dump that stuck up whore.

_You can't always get what you want._

Apparently.

My brothers are really starting to piss me off.

Kevin's all lovey-dovey with Madison.

Joe is heartbroken and currently doing drugs.

And me? I'm just sitting in my car, waiting for a solution.

_Fuck you guys, there's someone out there who cares._

Right?

Mom and Dad are too far away, and I'm not sure they'd like it if I vented to them about Joe's coke addiction.

Well there's Miley... nevermind, I am _so_ not going back down that road.

"Son of a _bitch_!" Lilly says, angrily stepping out of the back door to our apartment building.

"Lilly!" I call, running over to her.

"What happened?" I ask, catching up.

"Your brother is a complete ass."

I give her a small smile.

"I know."

She lets out a cackle.

"I can't help Nick, I'm sorry." She says, walking to the road, raising her hand to hail a cab.

_And there goes my solution._

"Wait, Lilly, I'll drive you home."

--

I drive her home.

She asks me to come in.

I accept the invitation, having nowhere else to go.

We laugh at old memories, and she asks what exactly happened between me and Miley.

I tell her it's not even worth bringing up.

She chuckles, and pulls a bottle from under the counter.

I look at the label, seeing a farmiliar name there.

_Jack Daniels._

She offers me some, I accept, becuse drinking with Lilly seems like a pretty good way to spend the evening.

Our laughter becomes louder, our words become less coherent, and things change.

I realize how pretty her eyes are, and she keeps touching my hair.

Then it happens.

--

Kevin wears his purity ring proudly, Joe's has been missing for quite some time now, and mine?

Still on my finger, less prominent that Kevin's, but more meaningul that Joe's.

It hasn't really been a big issue in my life, sex, and the rings were my father's idea.

If I wanted to have sex, a ring wasn't going to stop me.

But, I never felt the need to...

Until now.

Lilly is so pretty, and i'm not thinking clearly.

_Intoxication._

She smiles, and she's not pushing me into it. She's innocently touching my hand, it's me who's thinking the dirty thoughts.

I avert my eyes from her, I need to think.

My eyes meet hers once more, hers are a shade darker, and that's when I know.

I'm not the only one with dirty thoughts.

"Lilly..." I whisper.

And my lips meet hers. Instantaneously, I feel it, the spark.

The fire, the explosion, the need, and suddenly I know what Joe feels when he gets high.

Lilly's lips meet mine fiercely.

_It's so on._

The war with our mouths continues, she tastes like whiskey and a new addiction.

I'm gasping and she's gasping, as she pulling me up the stairs to her room.

She falls onto the bed, and I fall onto her.

I kiss her neck as I pull her shirt over her head.

I think of how many times Joe must've done this.

_Guilt._

But, the thought passes quickly, Lilly nibbles on my neck, and that's all it takes.

No going back now.

--

My ring lays on the table, I pick it up, turning it over in my hands.

Lilly is sleeping, her head lying on my chest.

I've sobered up.

I sigh, thinking of what I've just done.

But, I certainly don't regret it.

It was perfect, and wonderful, and that's the problem.

It was too perfect, the way sex with someone you love is supposed to be.

And I don't love Lilly... Do I?

**Author Note;**

_I'm SUPER SORRY that it took so long to update. I've been busy. And, I've recently fallen in love with Camp Rock fanfics. Especially ones with tess/shane angst, write me one, and I'll love you forever. They're a wonderful couple. I don't like smitchie, at all. Anyways, i've already started the next chapter, so that shouldn't take to long. Thank you for sticking with me, and my erratic updates._

_i love you guys_


	5. Chapter 5

**Author Note;**_ Okay, I never stated the ages of the JoBros, Lilly, and Miley, and Madison. Nick, Lilly, and Miley are 18; Joe is 20; Kevin is 22; and Madison is 21. I probably should've done that at the beginning, but oh well. Keep Reading: )_

--

_"Just try it, you'll like it." Jay says, smiling a goofy grin._

_Jay's the DJ at the biggest club in L.A., and he's trying to get me to do coke._

_"Dude..." I say, shaking my head. _

_"Man, I do this stuff all the time. It's cool." _

_"Kev would kill me." _

_He would, seriously._

_"Look, I know you've been having a rough time, the whole breakup thing... " _

_I cringe._

_"This'll help."_

_Just the prospect of feeling better is enough to make me bend my face down to the table. _

_It burns, I cringe and blink my eyes. The people seated around me all chuckle and say 'first-timer'. _

_"It get's better." Jay says._

_And it does, quickly._

_I feel energized, and happy. The spinning of the V.I.P room, and the laughs of my new friends, are momentarily distracting me from the ache in my chest._

_--_

That's all I remember, the rest is a total blur of dancing and hotel sheets.

My head ache worsens, but I don't reach for the bag.

_You'll be alright._

I look at the clock.

1 AM.

_Where is Nick?_

He's not a child, he can take care of himself, but I should call. Kevin's not here, and someone has to play the 'concerned older brother' role.

I look around the room for my cell phone, I find it and dial Nick's number.

"Hello?" He answers, his voice strangely tight.

"Hey, where are you?"

"At a friend's."

His tone is still weird.

"Dude, what's wrong?"

"What? Nothing."

"Nick, look, things have been... different, around here lately. But, you can come home, man."

"I know, I'm just staying somewhere tonight."

The way he says it makes me think he's with a girl.

"Alright, be careful."

"Joe, can you-"

"Cover for you? Sure."

"Thanks."

And he hangs up.

Nick hangs up, on me.

He probably thinks I'm mad.

He _did_ bring Lilly here, he _did_ tell her about my... issue, I should be mad. But, I'm not. Because I know he means well.

Nick is good, always has good intentions.

_The road to Hell is paved with good intentions._

Kevin is too good, and Nick is the right amount, and what about me? I'm the bad one.

_Kevin._

His name even makes me angry, I can't stand him or his girlfriend.

_Madison; with her pretty hair, designer clothes, and church sayings. The girl spews proverbs like Lil Wayne does profanities._

What makes me really angry, is that Kevin dosen't even know her. She comes on to me, constantly. I may hate Kevin sometimes, but I would never get caught up with his girlfriend, or ex girlfriend, for that matter.

_Guy Code._

The 'Guy Code' is a joke to many, but I follow it. At least I have some kind of morals.

Plus, Madison is a total bitch, and Miley is clingy. So, the guy's girlfriends aren't really options.

I mentally laugh, I haven't laughed out loud in a while.

--

The thing with cocaine is that it feels really good while your doing it; but afterwards, you feel like shit.

And, it wrecks everything, sets it all on fire. When you finally get control, if you do, you just have to watch it burn; there are no fire extinguishers for life.

--

Nick comes home the next day, smelling like sex. My little brother, with no purity ring on his finger.

What's bad is, that I've been so out of the loop, it could've been missing for weeks.

Kevin won't notice, I hope. He didn't notice when I stopped wearing mine; but, Kevin dosen't bother with me very much anyway.

Nick, without his, looks so grown up. Like an adult.

I'm lounging on the couch, flipping through channels. I watch him silently as he strides through the living room.

He doesn't look at me, he just goes straight to his room. A few moments later I hear the shower turn on.

I wonder where Nick's been.

_He's not a kid._

He's not.

--

God, this house is suffocating, and I swear, I can smell the cocaine. All the way in the living room, I can smell it.

Like candy and fire.

I take a deep breath, and blow it out.

Nick emerges from his room, freshly showered.

He grabs his keys off the counter, retreives a diet coke from the fridge, and heads toward the door.

"Where you going?" I ask.

"I have some things I need to do." He replies, no eye contact.

I open my mouth, but he lopes out the door, and I'm alone.

--

I'm so bored; I almost wish Kevin would come home.

--

That's it, I'm done with this fucking house.

"Fuck." I say aloud, it feels good.

I search for my keys, find them, and leave.

My car smells nice, like a tropical island, or something.

I shift into drive and head wherever I feel like going.

--

I I think my subconscious planned this.

My own mind, betraying me... damn.

The coast glistens, and the ocean breeze sucks the air out of my lungs.

I've tried so hard to stay away, this is the worst place for me.

The place where the memories shine so brightly, burning up what's left of my soul.

_Lilly's hair tied in a bun, her skin sunkissed and beautiful, her laugh makes me laugh; a crazy-sounding laugh. One that makes us both laugh harder._

_Lilly wrapped in my arms, the cool night air blowing around us. She falls asleep, and I hug her tighter._

I grip the steering wheel tighter, please stop. Please, just stop. I want to forget, I want to forget.

_A beer in one hand, the other wrapped in Lilly's. The music thumps obnoxiously in the background. Nick dances on a table, and Lilly and I crack up, laughing so hard. He smiles drunkenly as a girl joins him and begins shaking her hips._

I clench my teeth; each memory hitting my heart like a razor.

_We sit by the water's edge, the waves tickling our ankles. She jumps up from her spot, reaches a hand down for me. I take it, and stand up with her. She puts her hands around my neck, and I lace mine around her waist._

_"Let's dance."_

_"There's no music."_

_"Who said there had to be music?" _

_I smile at her, and we start to sway. She giggles, and pushes me in the water._

_She laughs wildly, probably at the look on my face. I jump up and chase after her._

_"Your so dead!" _

And I know it's coming, the end, finally catching up with me.

_"Joe." Her voice is sad, it worries me._

_"Yeah?" I say slowly._

_"I'm sorry." I don't understand._

_She looks at the ground, shaking her head._

_"Lilly?" I ask._

_But, she just walks away._

_She closes the door behind her. And that's it, over. Bye Joe, have a nice life._

_--_

I should have stopped her, said something more. But, I didn't. And look at me, I'm falling apart.

I remeber the rest of that day, the choices that pushed me even farther away.

_"Joe, what the hell are you doing?"_

_"Packing."_

_"Why?"_

_"Kevin, we need to leave this damn beach. I got a call from the record guys, they have an apartment waiting for us."_

_"But, you love it here." Kevin says, throwing a longing look out my window._

_"No, I don't." _

I've never moved faster in my life, and Lilly never called.

3 months, and Lilly never called.

Time passed.

Days spent sleeping, nights filled with cocaine candy and slutty blondes.

No Lilly.

Everyday, I expected to see her, hear her voice, but it never came. So, I filled my time with writing and more whores.

Nothing healed, the wound is still so open and fresh.

Lilly came to me, trying to help, and I pushed her away.

I pushed away the only thing I really want.

**Author Note #2;**_ I hope that wasn't too crazy and confusing. Probably the longest chapter I've ever written. Another Joe point of view, yay. Oh, and the cocaine comparison (the one about fire) is probably my favorite part, it just kinda came to me. Read my new HSM stories, troypay, if your into that sorta thing. And, Sparkle will be updated soon, if you've been reading that one._

_I love you guys._


	6. Chapter 6

We're sitting in her kitchen, listening to the seconds tick by on the clock. She watches her coffee, I watch her. She stirs cream into the black liquid, lets out a small sigh.

"Okay, let's agree to never talk about last night?"

She looks up at me.

"We were drunk, and I know that you... you still have feelings for Joe. So, I'll never tell."

Everything I'm saying is a complete fucking contradiction to everything that I'm feeling.

She smiles, sticks out her hand.

I take it.

"Agreed."

We shake on it.

_See, she doesn't care. She's completely cool with forgetting about this._

----

I know, _I know_, that it's wrong. Of course it is; I mean, she's in fucking love with my brother. So what if it's a bruised, broken love. Love all the same. I leave her house for the second time today, and I have no idea where to go.

I drive by the beach and I think _Joe will never take her back, he hates her._

I stop to get some food at McDonald's and I think _Yes he will, he doesn't hate her, the only person he hates is himself._

---

It's 7 o'clock and I'm alone, parked outside of _her_ apartment.

Yes, _Miley's_.

I knock on the door, biting my lip.

_What the hell are you thinking? Just because you're alone doesn't mean you have to come here and fall back into this fucking thing. You can't stand her-_

"Nick?"

"Hi, Miles."

She hugs me tightly and invites me in.

She offers me a drink, and we sit down in her living room.

She takes a deep breath, shakes her head.

"What are you doing here?"

"Can't I just drop by to visit?"

Looks at me for a moment.

"No, Nick, you can't."

_Now you've been turned away, take what's left of your pride and leave._

"Why not?" I say, lips running on autopilot.

"You broke up with me, now, after like 3 months, you show up?"

Something about her is different.

I'm the one taking a deep breath now.

"I'm sorry, I just needed... someone to talk to."

Locks her eyes on mine, _someone to talk to._

We never did much talking.

I grab her face, pulling her lips to mind.

She kisses me back, like she used to... feels good. She continues kissing me back until I'm laying on top of her, running my hands up her stomach. She pulls away, smiles a little.

"This is kind of crazy." She says.

"That's why it's fun."

I kiss her again.

"Wait, just wait. Nick, I don't want this right now... I don't want a boyfriend or a relationship..."

"Who said I wanted to be your boyfriend?"

She smirks a little, grabs on hard to my hair, kisses me hotly.

----

"Text me." She says, smirking, as she closes the door.

I laugh quietly, pleasantly suprised.

I get in my car, smiling as I catch sight of the hickie on my neck.

Nice.

My feelings from last night and this morning slowly slipping away, I feel a little better. And Lily's silent rejection doesn't hurt so bad, her and Joe (_with his stupid addictions.)_ can have a nice life together.

I close my eyes and think of another try with Miley, and then I remember that she doesn't want a boyfriend. Thats okay, I am totally okay with just sex.

Totally okay.

**A/N; **

_God, I was FINALLY able to upload another chapter. I hope you'll forgive me, and review. Please review? _

_PS: It might be a while before I can get another chapter upp._


	7. Chapter 7

**HURRY HURRY; YOU PUT MY HEAD IN SUCH A FLURRY.**

_Agreed._

_Who the fuck are you? You... slept with Nick, and you just agreed to never speak of it. Whore._

He leaves and I lay my forehead against the counter, _are you kidding me. Joe, Joe will find out, he should... not that it matters, he hates you... he should. God, why can't anything be SIMPLE._

I finish my coffee and head out to the deck, _just relax Lilly. _As I'm crossing the living room there's a knock at my door, I sigh, _what now?_ I open it up and... him. Him, standing there, looking like hell.

"Hi." He says with a nervous smile.

"Hi." I reply, just as nervously.

I open the door wider and turn around, an open invitation. I hear him step in, he closes the door behind him. I walk to the coffee pot, because I need more. I turn it on and go back to the bar, putting my face in my hands.

"Lily?"

"Yeah." I answer.

"Why did you leave me?"

I jerk my head up, _fuck_.

"What?"

"You heard me- why did you leave?"

_Damn._

"It's complicated."

"I think I can keep up."

I swallow hard, take a deep breath.

"I was in too deep."

I look at him, and he's watching me, his eyes say _go on_.

"My whole life, I've never seen a functional relationship. And, well, it's hard for me, being with someone. And you- you were so _loving_ and _perfect_. All of a sudden, it was like- boom! You have something to lose, someone to focus on besides yourself. And you had your band, you were _good_, like _really good _; I knew I couldn't hold on to you."

"I had this thing in my head, and it was saying _summer love, gonna ditch you so fast your head will spin_. And I thought, better to ditch than to be ditched. So, I left you."

I place my head in my hands once again, _what a stupid bitch._

"How could you ever, for one second, think that I would leave you?"

I look up and he's right in front of the bar.

"Lily, I loved you so much."

Brings his hand to my face.

"I still love you."

His lips are so close, can almost taste him...

_Fuck, won't love me after this._

"I slept with Nick."

_Author Note- update. I've lost intrest, sorry, next chapter will be the last. If I don't get 5 reviews I probably won't even do that chapter. My other works will be more thought out._


	8. Chapter 8

The words leave her lips and it takes me a moment to put them together.

_I slept with Nick_.

The sentence stabs at my heart and _Nick? my brother, seriously? _I am confused and appalled and this isn't the first time she's hurt me like this.

"What?"

She swallows audibly.

"The other night, after I came to talk to you, we... we were drunk and things got out of hand."

"Out of hand? You fucked my brother, Lilly!"

She lets out a big sigh, runs her hands through her hair.

"It was an accident. He was so confused and he didn't know what to do, and I was hurt and I wasn't thinking."

I nod, and she cannot stop hurting me. She leaves me and then comes to find me and then she sleeps with my brother, my perfect, sweet, _younger_ brother. I close my eyes tightly and images flood my mind, _Lilly and Nick, together, kisses and hands, and lips and blonde hair and curly brown and GOD please stop._ I shake my head to clear the thoughts, and she is grasping the counter top.

"I'm sorry." She says.

And sorry's hold no power.

"It wasn't supposed to happen, and I _completely _understand if you hate me, but I thought you should know."

I swallow hard.

"You know what the worst part is?"

She has her head in her hands and she looks up, eyes asking _what?_

"It's not that he's my brother, or that he's my _younger_ brother... it's that I _still_ don't hate you."

I shake my head.

"You left me, then you tried to come back for me, and now you've slept with Nick, and I still don't hate you."

I let out a bitter laugh, and she cringes a bit.

"And, I geuss, it's because I feel like this is all some how my fault. I didn't love you enough in the beginning, so you ran away, and then I told you to leave and I screwed up the whole brother thing, so you and Nick got together."

"It's not your fault, it's mine. It's _all_ my fault, my insecurity started this whole mess, that's why I left. It's my fault."

"It doesn't matter whose fault it is."

It doesn't matter whose fault it is because it still happened, all of it, and there is no magic eraser. Mistakes are made and they will stay forever.

"I'm sorry," falls from her lips again and I just stare out the window, trying to figure this all out once and for all.

I have been hurt, again, at the hands of Lily Trusscott, and this time, it may just be the end.


	9. Chapter 9

Lily knows how to say sorry; she's good at it.

She's not a liar, she's always sincere about it, as far as I know. But the thing is... sometimes when things happen, they just _happen_. Sometimes things slip away, and sometimes you just have to let them go.

&&&

Six months have passed, and I don't regret my decision.

---

Nick is still completely shaken.

I have told him, again and again, that it's over; it's not his fault. He's my brother, and everyone makes mistakes; I forgive him. He doesn't believe me, he avoids me relentlessly, spends most of him time in the studio. He can barely look me in the eyes, and when he does, I don't understand. Doesn't he get it? We are _brothers_, _family_, and that overcomes everything.

I catch him sneaking out every once in a while, I worry, but I let him go. Because I think he might be hurting a little, maybe over Lily, maybe he's just ashamed; I let him go because he's not a child, and treating him like one won't change anything. He doesn't believe me when I say that he's forgiven, but one day he will.

I've cleaned up my act. No more cocaine, no more random hookups. But I'll never be the same, and it's not the drugs that have changed me, it's Lily.

See, even though I've quit her, even though I haven't seen her in months, I can still feel her in my veins. Every night I dream about the beach, her hair, her skin under my fingers. I wake up tired and empty, but I know that I can't go back.

Why, you ask. It's because love is a good thing, its pure, untainted, but sometimes it just isn't enough. Lily and I, we're poison together. We hurt eachother, even when we're only trying to do the right thing. We can't see around it, we can't be rational, and it drives us into the ground.

It makes me smile to think that, for once, I've made a mature decision. I'm doing the right thing, and that's enough to keep me from going back.

&&&

_There is a knock at her door, she rushes to it, opens it. _

_A smile spreads across her face, and he stands there, his eyes sad. He is always the guilty one, always regretting, but fuck - he keeps coming back, doesn't he? She knows he has a conscience, but damn, it hurts to feel like a mistake._

_She grabs the front of his shirt, pulls him in, and he smiles in spite of his twisting gut _(if his brother only knew...)_. _

_He bends his face to kiss her, hot and heavy. _I've missed you_, is whispered against his lips. His eyes meet hers, and he forgets about everything else._

_He knows it can't end well, isn't that obvious? But he's powerless to stop._

_He's addicted._

* * *

THE END.

_Author Note:_

_It's been a long road, if you can call nine chapters long :) Like that ending? Anyways, thanks to the readers and reviewers, your feedback gives me inspiration. I love you, and go read some of my other stories, would you? _


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